It's hard

This is hard.

It is hard to base all your self worth on grades, rankings and accomplishments when you believe you're dumb and don't have any wins in your life.

It is hard to keep pretending to be strong, fiercely holding my head above water and gulping the loud and enraged scream inside my throat. 

It is hard to hold back the tears and fake to be confident and courageous when you're castle built on sheer labour, tears and strength is crumbling in front of your eyes and there's not a single thing you can do. Or you just don't have the energy to save it from turning into dust.

How do I keep going if I don't see hope in front of me? When I am insecure and jealous of those with good friends and parents, a happy life being lived to the fullest. Do they possess an inner strength which I lack? 

My heart pains from the loneliness I experience, from an ignored glance, to an ignored conversation to seeing your friends hang out without you. 

Dear Miss popular pls don't steal my remaining friends from me! Not that they're such good friends anyways. I cling onto people as if they're the last thread stopping me from ending this miserable life. But I don't think they care as much as I do, feel as much as I do and want long lasting friendships as much as I do. 

Hello my oldest and bestest friend loneliness. At least you won't leave me. Right? And if you do, please I beg you to never come back into my life again.