It's hard

This is hard.

It is hard to base all your self worth on grades, rankings and accomplishments when you believe you're dumb and don't have any wins in your life.

It is hard to keep pretending to be strong, fiercely holding my head above water and gulping the loud and enraged scream inside my throat. 

It is hard to hold back the tears and fake to be confident and courageous when you're castle built on sheer labour, tears and strength is crumbling in front of your eyes and there's not a single thing you can do. Or you just don't have the energy to save it from turning into dust.

How do I keep going if I don't see hope in front of me? When I am insecure and jealous of those with good friends and parents, a happy life being lived to the fullest. Do they possess an inner strength which I lack? 

My heart pains from the loneliness I experience, from an ignored glance, to an ignored conversation to seeing your friends hang out without you. 

Dear Miss popular pls don't steal my remaining friends from me! Not that they're such good friends anyways. I cling onto people as if they're the last thread stopping me from ending this miserable life. But I don't think they care as much as I do, feel as much as I do and want long lasting friendships as much as I do. 

Hello my oldest and bestest friend loneliness. At least you won't leave me. Right? And if you do, please I beg you to never come back into my life again.

Fear

                                                                         fear of people

                                                                          fear of places

fear of uncertainty

fear of abandonment 

fear of no on being on my side 

fear of displaying cowardice 

fear of being alone

fear of being wrong 

they cloud my mind 

drowning in anxiety 

fear of this and fear of that

until I turn into a stone 

incapable of feeling 

fear! fear! fear!

Terrified Part 2

 Dear Reader,

I am scared. I am terrified and angry. 

my mind is filled with anxious thoughts that paralyze my body, I can't move, I can't think clearly. 

I just stop and wish to avoid to forget the pain and rage that encapsulates my mind every single day.

That's right I live in anguish every waking moment, which is why once I loved death way too much. 

I am profoundly tired. Searching for an answer, waiting for someone to save me. When they do, I refuse their help. What do I do with this anxiety in my mind which terrifies me. 

As a child, I got beaten badly many days, others I lived in fear of being hit or being made to kneel down while this monster threatened to break my hands and legs. Now dear reader, do you know what shadows follow me everyday and why I am so terrified. So utterly afraid of my incompetence, of not having the courage to defend myself nor fight back against this cruel monster who has filled my life with sadness and despair. 

A Friend...

Dear Reader,

A friend is someone who listens 

A friend is someone who laughs 

at your stupidest jokes 

who cries and hugs you

when you're sad 

I am so grateful for a friend of mine 

who asked me how was I 

in my saddest and darkest of time 

 Eyes wandered towards me 

her soul stayed by my side

Wish she could stay with me for longer 

but alas we had to say Goodbye

Though her gentleness and warmth 

stayed with me  throughout the night 

I desire that she stick to my side

And abandon her friends 

who accompanied her 

During death, sickness and our bitter bitter fight 

Can we please! please! 

go back to how we were 

Or sometimes I think 

was it always meant to be

 sorry my beloved friend 

for not cherishing you better

Oh my dear friend 

how grateful and sorry am I 

To lose a diamond from the mines 

Farewell to thee and please! please!

Live a long and happy life 

I pray your companions 

are the kindest of  all 

Oh dear friend 

How much I miss your warmth

and delicate heart!!

I dedicate this poem to a friend of mine whom I lost due to my selfishness, jealousy and low-self esteem. Though I still speak to her. I cannot be with her all the time as she has found new friends whom I genuinely hope cherish her and keep her happy. I cannot call her and make her feel like a burden all the time. We cannot sit together for dinner, lunch or breakfast or walk together to class. Unfortunately I don't think we can go back to being how it was during the first semester. I regret everything that happened which tore us apart. She won't see this poem, not now at least. But I'm genuinely sorry and regretful of my actions back then. At least, we are on speaking terms right now and I'm truly grateful for that. I genuinely hope that we become good friends in the future. 

CRY...

Dear Reader,

I want to cry but I must be productive first. 

I want to sleep and forget about the world but I need to finish my work first.

Learning to trust people

 Dear Reader,

Today I believe in people. I believe that they can be kind and lenient. 

Yesterday one and today 2 people were kind to me.  I thought they would not understand but a fairy did (lets name her that). she sympathized and I felt heard. Although I felt ashamed of being emotionally exhausted. She said she would make sure that I would be fine and be able to write my exams. 

It made me believe in myself a little. Another classmate tried to shield me from the professor questioning me. At least, that's what it looked like and I was grateful that someone came to my rescue. I did not thank him, maybe someday I will repay the favor. He tried to divert the conversation and make it about him. He tried to joke with the professor and change the topic. I was so genuinely grateful. I can't believe he had that much of a heart to do so. You see, he is regarded as a class clown or attention seeker. At least, that's my perception.  This professor said I should have spoken to him and he would have helped. I think I was blinded by my distrust for people and always assumed I was such a difficult person to understand. 

A lot of the times, even I can't understand myself. So I thought how could other. Turns out self-awareness exits and there's no unique feeling in the world. Every emotion or thought that exists is always felt by a group or people, maybe they are spread around the world or maybe they are close to each other. Anyways, no emotion or thought is ever felt by an individual alone. If I feel unworthy, there are probably a thousand people around the world that do so as well. This thought gives me comfort. 

Another gave me chips. These actions may not seem much but today I was grateful for them and appreciative. I needed those small acts of kindness which usually go unnoticed. I received a small piece of chocolate from fairy. I was so happy when she understood and said would help me. It felt like I was dancing in the clouds and was the happiest person on earth. In return I want to do something for this person, show them how much I appreciate their help.

" someone noticed my efforts", " my efforts finally paid off", " I must do better next semester" I thought to myself.

Many times, you just have to try or ask even if you feel like all the odds and the entire world is against you.

Failure and Revival of the Slump

 Dear Reader,

Welcome back to my blog

These past few days have been questionable.

All I did was criticize myself for not completing chores or doing better. I rotted in bed, sleep all I wanted and ate good food, in the hopes of healing whatever was wounded inside. The more I didn't go to college, complete my work, the worse I felt but at the same time I could not care less about my CGPA. It felt like I surrendered to life and all my will to live and energy depleted. 

Mom, I am terrified of being judged!

I look around me and I wish I had more courage and strength to hold on. But I have been holding on all my life, I can get some credit for that right. Looking back at my old vlogs, it made me realize how history repeats itself, I am in the same situation I was back then. In a slump, where I did not have the energy to keep moving forward. Every step was a chore and long and dreary. Life seems like a series of tests that I can't seem to pass if I do the bare minimum, but this is all I have to offer.

Being physically sick is more believable than emotionally burnt out. When you're physically sick you have evidence to show but explaining emotional burnout is difficult and many people either don't believe you or don't understand anyways. I am happy that people called me to ask how I was but I hated how I was not appreciative enough of their care. So I lied and the hate for myself keeps growing day by day. Did anyone ever teach me to love and appreciate myself ? No

It's not everyday that people actually care about you, at least not for me. 

I want to go away to the countryside, throw away my phone and laptop and cook delicious food and just live there for a while. I won't stay there forever as I would get bored but at least for 3 months I would experience nature and reconnect with myself. Again, hopefully heal the part that is hurt. 

I wish I was kinder to myself. It's okay to fail and be lazy. But let's be honest we don't actually believe that do we. 

Emotionally exhausted...

Dear Reader, 

I am emotionally exhausted.  

How do I describe this feeling? I'm tired and do not have the energy to go to classes or do assignments, least of all write my upcoming exams. I want to be positive and full of hope, but this university has eaten my soul. It feels like a vital part of my soul- the vibrant, cheerful and hopeful one- has been torn apart. 

I wonder how that knowledgeable professor thinks? I'm sure they get lonely too. I don't have the courage to ask. Internal problems, emotional problems and friendship problems. Am I going to keep solving these my entire life. 

I'm scared. What if I am not able to stand up for myself? I keep imagining the terrible situation over and over again, what if I go into freeze mode and cannot defend myself? What if I start crying and my body freezes just like the game london stop where everyone freezes when the Denner (person who catches everyone) turns their back to face us, it's similar to the famous game in the Netflix series squid game. I am not scared of the abuse or screaming, I am more terrified of the fact that I will not be able to help myself when I desperately need to.  

I keep imagining the same scenario over and over again like a tape recorder whose stop button is broken. 

 

Not-so Random Sentences

Sometimes words heal, sometimes they hurt. The worst thing that hurts is when the person you think you are close to doesn't feel the same about you. So, I think it's better to know the priority list and boundaries of another person. Many times, in life I have regretted not saying things but other times I'm glad I did not do so because the pain of regretting later is greater than the relief of now.  

I think I want to write a play on domestic violence and have a concert, become the president of the singing club and hold shows.

The play in which I took part in is something that I wanted to do but at the same time I feel so much shame about not doing it perfectly. I don't even know what perfect is anymore, instead of being a memory where I showed confidence, it's become a memory of shame, guilt and cringe, like “oh I shouldn't have done that, why did I bother doing such a thing".

Accomplishing all of the above requires so much energy and courage that right now I don't have to give, which is why I'll feel sad whenever my friends are jealous or envious of me. Because you want your friends to support you and know how much hard work you have put into it.

You wish for them to support you and be proud of you. Alas, I can't expect people to react the way I want them to.  

Nice to meet you

 7th may, 2025

Dear Diary & Readers,

Hii, My name is Catherine and this blog is going to be messy, random, and also amazing just like me. 

The posts mostly will revolve around my thoughts, emotions and whatever I have learned from being an adult up till now and the coming days and years.

so join me in my journey of happiness, anger, joy, sadness, living life to the fullest, learning as well as making as much mistakes as possible and bawling my eyes out over random and cringey stuff I have done and even regretting the things that I did not do.

with immense joy and love,

Catherine