Emotionally exhausted...

Dear Reader, 

I am emotionally exhausted.  

How do I describe this feeling? I'm tired and do not have the energy to go to classes or do assignments, least of all write my upcoming exams. I want to be positive and full of hope, but this university has eaten my soul. It feels like a vital part of my soul- the vibrant, cheerful and hopeful one- has been torn apart. 

I wonder how that knowledgeable professor thinks? I'm sure they get lonely too. I don't have the courage to ask. Internal problems, emotional problems and friendship problems. Am I going to keep solving these my entire life. 

I'm scared. What if I am not able to stand up for myself? I keep imagining the terrible situation over and over again, what if I go into freeze mode and cannot defend myself? What if I start crying and my body freezes just like the game london stop where everyone freezes when the Denner (person who catches everyone) turns their back to face us, it's similar to the famous game in the Netflix series squid game. I am not scared of the abuse or screaming, I am more terrified of the fact that I will not be able to help myself when I desperately need to.  

I keep imagining the same scenario over and over again like a tape recorder whose stop button is broken.