Late Night Thoughts

I look at all those who are loved and wonder if I shape myself like them, would I too then be lovable?

why do I try to do my best so that people like me, try to be funny, more quirky, more dumber, more smart.

smart for one person dumb for the other, either everyone has their own individual taste or they have a common taste which is the same bubbly persona that I try to mend myself into... 

there are the use of so many "Is" but if I do not think about myself then who?

when I was quirky, my mind labelled me as weird, when I was smart suddenly I became boring, constantly shaping myself to fit the perceptions of those who do not care about me. If I was skinnier, more pretty privilege for me, If I had better fashion scene, more people would approach me. I live in the world of possibilities of the future "what ifs" while my present remains empty and filled with days impressing those who do not bat an eye for me and would not care to look twice had I fallen down the street. 

My kindness is a burden to me sometimes, which I am sure is the same for some of the other people out there too and those who do not realise this and take advantage of the poor kind souls who would rip their hearts out to feed those starving, because they themselves are hungry for love and validation, hoping they can make it up by being a so-called good person. Being kind pains my heart sometimes, because why should I have mercy on those who do not care if others are in pain? 

Ironically my perfectionism drives me into a wall of dread and then I hate myself and the world, my leftover creativity flushed down the drain all because I wanted the fleeting praise of one man whose praise I would never believe and say it was caused by fate even though I poured my sweat, anxiety and sleepless nights into the project. Over and over I am ignored by someone or the other, an insignificant soul in the grand scheme of my life yet I take it to heart and never be bold again, losing one moment after another because I couldn't be a little braver than yesterday. 

Regret is my best friend, it never leaves my side. When I achieved something and when I didn't try, it is always there ready to barge in the middle of the night, or during an important lecture when not a single word reaches my ear. 

In the middle of the night, I want to ask myself  "what kind of a person do I want to be ?" For a while, let's just live doing the things which bring us joy and peace, even when we are not good enough, even when we have not accomplished things. Let's not shrink ourselves to fit in, the world has enough space for us to sit comfortably. Eat something delicious, cry your heart out, doodle in class when you cannot pay attention, say something silly now and then, curse out loud with your friends and laugh freely, that's all that matters including getting a job and getting paid, that's all that matters, that is what life is supposed to be about, doing things you like and breathing in every moment and out. Everything else is made up, what is the point of accomplishments if it does not make me happy. 

Anger pt2

Dear Reader,

Isn’t it wonderful to ruin your mental health for the sake of others? When their opinion matters more than your own.  

When I have so much to say so I swallow my rage along with my words, hoping my silence will speak louder. I long for someone to yearn with the same passion as I do, to look at me with so much love, innocence and sweetness. Maybe those stories where the moral was that love truly does win all are right. Someone to love even the most flawed and raw parts like they’re the most beautiful.  

In a world where happiness is so rare, yet I still end up comparing it with others as if there is a limited supply of it and only those who grab and snatch it can enjoy for only a limited time. I binged ate today as if swallowing huge chunks of chocolate and food would push down the anger I felt in my heart, fill the void inside and if I was full maybe then everything would be alright. I would eat so many chocolates and sweets and cakes maybe to balance the bitterness on the outside until I felt disgusted by the sweetness of it all which makes me loathe myself every time I look in the mirror. I am more than the fat inside my skin, at least I hope so. It's like pretty people get a free pass to be boring and have a mundane personality, but we must bring more to the table in order to prove we deserve to be someone’s friend or partner.  

I wanted to run to those people screaming “what did I ever do to you” “I too am just trying to live and understand life as much as you”. For an entire species to be called humanity and yet that is precisely what we lack. I lied; I am not over it. I will remember this anger and won’t let it happen again either to me or others.  

I could be poetic if I tried but that’s the thing about emotions; its not aesthetic, its ugly, dirty and uncomfortable.  

Unfair

Dear Reader, 

Anger is a destructive emotion and makes me want to tear apart the limbs of those who do me any wrong. Humans are really dumb fucking cunning creatures who don't care about anything but themselves, then again we were programmed to be this way from the start.

I am angry at the injustice that I have to bear, the ostracizing, the humiliation that I have felt, from my opinion not being included, considered or even bothered to be asked. It seems like a small petty issue doesn't it but I truly want the others to suffer my pain and burn in the hottest fires of hell, to be called out for what they have done and feel a fucking sense of shame and guilt as I have. 

I, imagine the rage of those muddled between the conflicts of businessmen and politicians, those who suffered and never received injustice yet, how furious are they at the world? how furious was Medusa?

At the thought of much bigger crimes being committed I swallow my tiny pride and yet I don't want to give another human being so much power as to control whether I get angry or sad. Although sometimes violence is the answer and should be used accordingly.

Being a woman with ADHD

 Dear Reader, 

I am seething in anger and rage at this world, at myself and at others. Why is my life not my responsibility yet? why do I as a woman have to constantly ask permission from either the world or someone else to do anything in my own fucking life????

Safety itself is used as an excuse nowadays to control and restrict the freedom of woman, you don't have any other excuse so you use safety as one instead and throw randomised data and one goddamn fucking article you read at people's faces.

If the world is so fucking unsafe then men should not be let out of their homes and let them have a time restriction since they are the perpetrators instead. Its like the moment you were born as a woman it was a disadvantage. you can't do this, you can't do that, you can't fucking breathe. WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU TO DECIDE MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am filled with an intense amount of rage, which of course if I express I become too fucking logical and emotional for you to handle right!!

As someone with ADHD traits I am angry at myself and the world. at myself for not showing up on time even though it seems like the simplest of things, it's like not being able to calculate myself and seeing other do it with much ease. I got irritated and annoyed at myself even when others were not. It does not happen just once, but multiple times and the world is not designed for neurodivergents and the life style of a neurotypical is so ingrained into people's head that you think it is normal and common and everyone should FUCKING BE THIS WAY, BE ABLE TO SLEEP CERTAIN HOURS WAKE UP ON TIME, GO TO THE GYM, GET 10 HOURS OF PRODUCTIVITY BULLSHIT DONE,  GET A FUCKING WILL TO LIVE, HAVE A PURPOSE AND THEN COME BACK , HAVE A SKINCARE, HAIRCARE, BODYCARE FUCKING ROUTINE AND 10 OTHER BULLSHIT ROUTINES THAT I DO NOT NEED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Everything has a deadline that I cannot seem to keep up with, then I am blamed and internalise this shame and get frustrated with myself. WHY AM I LIVING ACCORDING TO THE STANDARDS OF OTHERS??? Isn't this my life...

A Burden

Dear Reader,

Its funny that I call myself selfish yet hate being a burden or unconvincing people. There is nothing I hate more than being a burden. " Maybe I am only talking about myself", " Maybe they don't care and I am boring them"- such thoughts pass through my mind on a daily basis. 

When my emotions get too overwhelming I hide in my shelter, make excuses and try to make myself feel better. Being an adult means knowing when to walk away from being an adult, yet I feel an intense pressure of my absence being a nuisance or an annoyance to others, when my presence is needed in a group presentation or any such project. So I try to pick up whatever is left of me and hand out a unlimited edition diamond platter to whoever passes by in exchange for love, importance and validation. 

Doing the most basic things is difficult for me. Fuck it, I do not have the slightest idea what it means to live a good life. I can barely eat properly which is the most simplest and basic things of all, yet everyone else seems to be at ease. 

Which is why lately, I am doing my best to convince my mind to be selfish and put myself first despite all the small hurdles thrown my way.