midnight poems

 Dear Reader,

Another poem written in the middle of the night. When I wake up in the morning, thoughts of inferiority will cloud my mind and I will think this is the shittiest shit ever written and Jane Austen shall rise from her grave only to stab me with a knife and go back to her grave after I would have been dropped off in hell.

I am at a crossroad 

where guilt surrounds my being 

insults flow in my blood 

my mind goes blank 

I drown in the unhappiness 

of my own creation 

the poets in the past 

felt similar pains & feelings 

yet they could conjure up dreamscapes 

while I beg for god 

to let me breathe in joy for the last time

To be an Adult

 Dear Reader,

I am starting to realise what it means, to be an adult. To be an adult means to cry out your heart in an empty room because no one else is around, wipe your own tears, pick yourself up and move forward. 

To be an adult means to deal with your emotional meltdowns and feel the fear, sadness, jealousy oozing out of your body.

To be an adult means to find joy in the food you cooked.

To be an adult means to heal yourself, to ask for help when needed and drag yourself through the mud when no one is willing to help you.

To be an adult means to walk around a movie theatre or museum and enjoy your own company.

To be an adult means to know that not everyone has to be your best friend and not every aspect of your life needs to be shared.

To be an adult means to put your health first, even when it feels wrong to do so. 

To be an adult means to know when to run away from the table, to choose your battles even though you're indecisive or have no idea what you are doing.

To be an adult means to show up even if you are not in your best state.

To be an adult means knowing that whatever life throws in your way, you will catch it and throw it back with a much greater force.

To be an adult is to cherish, protect and live your lost childhood.

The urge to write

Dear Reader,

When the hearts wants to speak, who are we to stop it. Once the urge to write fiercely takes over me, that is all my mind thinks about. I catch myself pretending or changing my behaviours to appear a certain way to people, when a strong identity of mine is on its way to construction. The blueprint of my identity is still work in progress and I think it will be like that for the rest of my life.

I shape shift like a chameleon 

constantly changing identities 

stuck inside my head 

constantly playing a character 

while a part of me fades each day 

not that I knew who I was 

my likes or dislikes 

I played pretend so not a hair on me was 

considered a mistake 

wasted the light in my eyes 

the clock ticking in the distant corner

terrified of imperfection 

withering in agony of the absence of my potential 

if everyone disappeared 

would I impress the trees, flowers and birds

would I ask them to love 

would I feel important if their gaze turned towards me 

if they showered me with their presence of their own accord

would I care about their opinions 

Would I throw love as was done with strangers 

along the path of my journey 

The fault of mine

Dear Reader, 

Jealousy, that's what ended the friendship. In a relationship, how do you know whose fault is it? 

It is my fault because it ended due to my jealous attitude of the other person. I wanted to be the centre of attention, to be loved and wanted by all and yet now she has it all, good friends, family and a best friend who will always be by her side. I keep trying to divide the blame and not take all of it as guilt becomes pain and pain haunts me every waking moment. It doesn't help when you have to hear their voice and see their face everyday. 

Yes it is my fault, but what about her ? I tried I really really tried to save the friendship, once I realised what I had done, I apologised over and over again but apparently it wasn't enough. I know for a fact, I did not make that big a mistake. but there was no reciprocity from her side after that. Although I might have started it, I was not the only one who made mistakes. 

Once again, such an issue plagues my soul. I can't work properly. The lost friendship and the memories, happiness and sadness we could have experienced keeps repeating like a broken record player in my head. How do I let go ? How do I get rid of such thoughts... 

Once again I regret a decision or choice and forever lament of what is and what could have been. Was I made for sorrow? I put my self respect on the line, not that I have any and apologised hoping we could go back together but those days seem to be part of a history book's chapter of the Victorian era. 

Sometimes I think " do I have so many flaws that it makes me so unlovable?" How do I make everyone or anyone like me ?? It's so funny because I think my mother named me either because she too was never loved properly so she wanted me to be loved by all because that's what my name originally means or she just choose it after her favourite actress or her astrologer advised her to do so. 

I feel left out everywhere I go, friends family, relatives and others. left out of conversations, out of families, out of friends. Inclusion is a feeling I am unfamiliar with. When I am included its surprises me and it doesn't when I am left out. 

Never a priority, always just an option to choose from and never to be chosen.

Hatred & Hope

Dear Reader,

I hate myself, I hate-- the way I speak, the things I say and do, the things I don't say and do, my past, present and future, today I hated it all. I wish to be someone else, someone more confident, prettier, smarter, someone much more caring and considerate of their friends. 

I internalised all the hatred and shame that I experienced from other people. Maybe if I focus on other things I can ignore my feeling of guilt of never achieving my full potential-- not that I had any in the first place. When others hate you, you start internalising the hate and when you hate yourself you think the world wants you to vanish, never speak or move a muscle, just be invisible- is the message being  perceived. But I remind myself that it is simply not true but when you have such feelings embedded inside you a neutral glance from a stranger turns dreadful as if her eyes are overflowing with hatred and disgust for me. Maybe I am just projecting my feelings onto people. 

Why does it matter whether one or two people dislike you, even we don't like everyone in our lifetime.  

I wrote this yesterday when I was discouraged, filled with sadness and grief yet today I have so much hope, which I wish would last until the end of this month. 

Little by little I start to tolerate myself and do things for my body and peace of mind.

Today I realised that many times we encounter people whom we later on care about greatly yet they do not reciprocate the same kindness and love as we do. It is such a simple and powerful thought. That doesn't mean we should stop loving people in our own way, after all there is a much greater population out there in which we can choose our friends and family from. 

Shame and Guilt

 Dear Reader,

Have you ever been haunted by the same thought of what could have been day after day, almost every waking moment. Maybe things would have been different, maybe not. There's no accurate way of knowing. First I regretted one decision which would have played out in a different manner, then again and now I do the same. Indeed, history does repeat itself. 

Today I learnt that being desperate is not a bad thing. It is not weak or cringe to be desperate. This word itself is attributed by others to be something wrong or bad. Isn't it wonderful to love and yearn for someone deeply. It is society's discourse that has taught us that things that are natural are cringe or stupid. 

Everything that society wishes to avoid becomes cringey, whether it be love or fun or our quirky weird self or this rubbish blog. In shakespeare and other historical novels and books being able to love so deeply was seen as romantic and magical. 

Anyways, another thing that I wanted to talk about was shame and guilt. Both heavy and difficult emotions. Today I felt the voices around me fade away as I was consumed  by my own guilt of being a bitch and not doing better, being pretty, smarter, funnier, sexier and confident. Envy too is not a good emotion to experience. All I do is run away from my emotion like that character from subway surfers until I am knocked down with no where to escape.

"Why oh why can't I do better and pay more attention??"

"Why do I ask stupid questions?"

" I should stop interrupting people", " Just shut up and don't say anything" " I am so dumb, that I can't even comprehend what he is saying" "This is why I don't get praised"... and so on it goes. 

I try my best to suppress it but these thoughts whirl around my head and up and down until once again I can't pay attention. I'm not sure if I have adhd or not but I do zone out now and the professor embarrasses me by calling out on someone to answer who actually paid attention while a hole is buried in my heart which gets bigger and bigger along with my shame. 

Later I eat chocolates and biscuits hoping it would fill the void inside and drown out my negative thoughts with social media. 

On the other hand, during class I keep replacing the words " its okay" "its okay" in my head...

A Broken Friendship

 Dear Reader,

People have been know to be desperate for love but have you ever been desperate for friendship? To save something  so desperately which was broken before. 

Can I have a true and genuine friendship without heartbreak.

Maybe I am the cause. so many feeling, how do I explain it to a person. what can they do about it even if I do so? Venting out might feel better but it doesn't solve anything. It just feels as if I am complaining. 

I think I gave up on friendship this semester. I want to focus on things that last. Maybe we keep people as friends even when we don't like them, just for the sake of it or because we are afraid of confrontation or maybe sometimes just letting it be is better than facing it.

Deep inside, there's jealousy and guilt buried. If you start excavating it out, you fall deeper than the ocean. All I wanted to do today was bury it, ignore it and pretend it doesn't exist. 

I wish I said something at that time. I wish I didn't react the way I did. The irony is that while trying to save the friendship I broke it. Would it have been better if I just buried my feelings at that point of time just like I did with my guilt today. It consumes me and that is all I think about when I see their face. 

But you know what I tried my best to save the friendship, I did all I could to amend it and fix up the broken pieces but alas no amount of glue was ever enough it seems.