The fault of mine

Dear Reader, 

Jealousy, that's what ended the friendship. In a relationship, how do you know whose fault is it? 

It is my fault because it ended due to my jealous attitude of the other person. I wanted to be the centre of attention, to be loved and wanted by all and yet now she has it all, good friends, family and a best friend who will always be by her side. I keep trying to divide the blame and not take all of it as guilt becomes pain and pain haunts me every waking moment. It doesn't help when you have to hear their voice and see their face everyday. 

Yes it is my fault, but what about her ? I tried I really really tried to save the friendship, once I realised what I had done, I apologised over and over again but apparently it wasn't enough. I know for a fact, I did not make that big a mistake. but there was no reciprocity from her side after that. Although I might have started it, I was not the only one who made mistakes. 

Once again, such an issue plagues my soul. I can't work properly. The lost friendship and the memories, happiness and sadness we could have experienced keeps repeating like a broken record player in my head. How do I let go ? How do I get rid of such thoughts... 

Once again I regret a decision or choice and forever lament of what is and what could have been. Was I made for sorrow? I put my self respect on the line, not that I have any and apologised hoping we could go back together but those days seem to be part of a history book's chapter of the Victorian era. 

Sometimes I think " do I have so many flaws that it makes me so unlovable?" How do I make everyone or anyone like me ?? It's so funny because I think my mother named me either because she too was never loved properly so she wanted me to be loved by all because that's what my name originally means or she just choose it after her favourite actress or her astrologer advised her to do so. 

I feel left out everywhere I go, friends family, relatives and others. left out of conversations, out of families, out of friends. Inclusion is a feeling I am unfamiliar with. When I am included its surprises me and it doesn't when I am left out. 

Never a priority, always just an option to choose from and never to be chosen.