On Loneliness

Dear Reader,

I hate myself. I don't particularly like my friends either. Is it my perfection speaking or my increasing self-esteem? I tried to not be alone, yet at the end I am left on my own. There comes a time in everyone's life I guess when the people we rely on no longer exist. I guess I got my mother's depressive traits.

You cannot force people to choose you and I am terrified of the idea of loneliness, even though I am doing fine. No matter how much I tried not to be left out, at the end it happened anyways. I blamed myself and others but in the end it was better to move away. Days just pass by, without something to look forward to. Now and then a wave of sadness hits and all I wanna do is express it in the most beautiful way except that it is dull, ugly, boring and painful to listen to a depressed person voice their negative thoughts out loud. You cannot consistently be a positive person all the time. 

Every time I think I like a person, they give me one or the other reason to dislike them. People force themselves to stay in friendship and relationship in fear of being lonely, but the irony is that it actually does more harm than good. I am never the favourite, just exist as a background character who is the never the priority but only appears when there is no one else for the protagonist aka other people. Yet like an idiot, I get excited when person X calls or messages me, only because they're favourite person is unavailable. In friendships everyone seems to come in pairs in college, yet I am single, separated from the family and left out from friendship. 

Its like a message from god I  exist to be alone. Its like a lesson that I haven't yet learnt or maybe deep down humans are such social creatures that I do not wish to. I do not even care if the latter sentence makes sense or not. Those who have experienced it will understand.

Even the introvert who doesn't speak to people seems to have more friends and family than I do. How is it that so many people are lonely yet everyone at the same time seems to have friends? Are they all pretending, just like I tried to do? I think society has reached a point where pretending to have a group of close friends is more important than actually having good people in your life.

Sadness

 Dear Reader,

Whenever the intensity of my emotions increases, I then don't want to feel anything, because guilt and shame suddenly hurt more than the blade I used to cut myself. Living with such judgemental people I realised even imperfection is a flaw in their eyes. Some days everything feels worthless, and I find myself asking what is the point of it? I do well for a while until I fall down the steep slope, and looking around I start shaming myself for not doing better and not pushing through, because I keep falling down blindly and suddenly into potholes, just when I think I am doing a good job. 

I don't want to regret anything, but then I don't even know what I want to do with this day, forget about the next week or month or this life.  Washing clothes seems like the most difficult task right now, yet I know it won't take me more than half an hour or even 15 minutes, excluding the time I will put them to dry. I guess this is how Franz Kafka felt about opening a door when he became a vermin, if you take it metaphorically I feel like an ant. The distance between here and my college seems like the same as one end of the pacific ocean to the other, when I somehow manage to cross it, then I don't have the energy to deal with other minor tasks. I was doing better before, a few times I was even proud of myself, but its like the slump hits me now and then. Winter too will be arriving soon, and I hate winters as I become even more depressed and gloomy. I hate the nonchalant, conversation-maker shallow question "how are you" do you even care? why do people use such an important question so lightly, it becomes shallow and loses its value. People should come up with another fake and pretentious question to ask, which is not so important and does not make me want to reply honestly- "I'm not okay" 

Why do I think that if I ignore my feelings it will fade away? the more time passes, it only get stronger, overwhelming and more difficult to deal with? 

I used to think that if I kept the anger inside of me, it would dissolve with time and so would the words and emotions which I so desperately wanted to express. But I think I finally learnt, after so many deaths that it is better to say whatever is on your mind because one day you will part with people and go into separate roads. It makes my head lighter, even if I happen to regret my words later on.

Since I don't have the courage yet to say these words to you, so I will leave it here for now"

"I was angry at you, but no one could make me hate you. I think sometimes the English language is not sufficient for me to express my mind and feelings. I would have called you when we were in _______ to hang out, but my low self-esteem convinced me that you do not like me or would be uncomfortable. So I held back my words in fear." I have my own ways of making up with you, even though you might not realise it yet.

Oh! regret my old friend

Dear Reader,

Regret is always at my doorstep. 

whether I go to the land or the sea

there is always regret waiting for me.

sometimes with a smile or a tear 

whichever decision I make

I end up with what ifs, what nots 

ahh I shouldn't wouldn't have 

I could have done it better 

I should have known earlier 

that even a pebble can create a huge wave in the water 

regret seems to be a part of my daily life. some regrets are small while others cost me an alternate life where maybe I would be a little happier and contentful

Sometimes I do not want to think at all, while other times I rethink every major and minor decision. Shame, guilt and regret are three siblings, they come and go hand in hand . I wish I had learnt my lesson. I am selfish, there was a time when I was jealous of those who used to be selfish. At least I am thinking about myself, as I should be, because when I wasted around my energy it broke my spirit. Why is it okay for you not to return the same amount of love that I give out. How is that selfish, isn't that reasonable? 

I too want to be content, but it seems something is always missing in my life. People disappoint me nowadays and the room is too suffocating at times, or filled with their negativity or toxic bullshit!!!!!!!!!! 

When did I start hating on other human beings? but why did they always give me reasons to do so. Humans are weird creatures. 

Now and then a wish of mine is to spend time with people that I like and I wish that the person that I like would ask me the question "Are you okay?", to which I would answer sincerely. They would then realise what a different person I am. People walk around thinking, judging and evaluating each other out of arrogance when all they need to do is spend time with the other person. 

There is too many "I"s in my sentences. I guess I am a narcissist.

Pathetic? or just Desperate

Dear Reader, 

Kids my age are getting addicted to cigarettes and drugs, while I crave for validation and approval, from those I consider my gods and goddesses. If even a speck of attention is not given to me, I become desperate like those who have been starving since days or those who want just a moment of peace. I get jealous if someone else gets the validation that I deserve, but what does that even mean. Who gets to decide what I deserve or not ? 

Why does the approval of this particular person matter so much to my identity? Will it make me happy or bring more misery? Sometimes I feel like trash or a bad person, and then other times I think "why do I have to be such a good person?".  

If my friends are comfortable with my absence, should they even be considered my friends ? Do I even need to constantly put in an effort to be there, make them laugh or listen to their problems ? Humans are the most complicated and stupid species. You make the simplest interactions so difficult. If I was a bad person I could blame others, move on and wouldn't be stuck with this guilt. If only other people felt as much guilt. 

People think I am independent, they don't look at my inevitable circumstances which lead me to become this way, when you don't have people to rely on, you learn to adapt, change and become strong. You do it because there is no other choice, you do it because you have to. I am always jealous of those who have a good support system and yet some of them still break.