Pathetic? or just Desperate

Dear Reader, 

Kids my age are getting addicted to cigarettes and drugs, while I crave for validation and approval, from those I consider my gods and goddesses. If even a speck of attention is not given to me, I become desperate like those who have been starving since days or those who want just a moment of peace. I get jealous if someone else gets the validation that I deserve, but what does that even mean. Who gets to decide what I deserve or not ? 

Why does the approval of this particular person matter so much to my identity? Will it make me happy or bring more misery? Sometimes I feel like trash or a bad person, and then other times I think "why do I have to be such a good person?".  

If my friends are comfortable with my absence, should they even be considered my friends ? Do I even need to constantly put in an effort to be there, make them laugh or listen to their problems ? Humans are the most complicated and stupid species. You make the simplest interactions so difficult. If I was a bad person I could blame others, move on and wouldn't be stuck with this guilt. If only other people felt as much guilt. 

People think I am independent, they don't look at my inevitable circumstances which lead me to become this way, when you don't have people to rely on, you learn to adapt, change and become strong. You do it because there is no other choice, you do it because you have to. I am always jealous of those who have a good support system and yet some of them still break.