Dear Reader,
Welcome back to my blog
These past few days have been questionable.
All I did was criticize myself for not completing chores or doing better. I rotted in bed, sleep all I wanted and ate good food, in the hopes of healing whatever was wounded inside. The more I didn't go to college, complete my work, the worse I felt but at the same time I could not care less about my CGPA. It felt like I surrendered to life and all my will to live and energy depleted.
Mom, I am terrified of being judged!
I look around me and I wish I had more courage and strength to hold on. But I have been holding on all my life, I can get some credit for that right. Looking back at my old vlogs, it made me realize how history repeats itself, I am in the same situation I was back then. In a slump, where I did not have the energy to keep moving forward. Every step was a chore and long and dreary. Life seems like a series of tests that I can't seem to pass if I do the bare minimum, but this is all I have to offer.
Being physically sick is more believable than emotionally burnt out. When you're physically sick you have evidence to show but explaining emotional burnout is difficult and many people either don't believe you or don't understand anyways. I am happy that people called me to ask how I was but I hated how I was not appreciative enough of their care. So I lied and the hate for myself keeps growing day by day. Did anyone ever teach me to love and appreciate myself ? No
It's not everyday that people actually care about you, at least not for me.
I want to go away to the countryside, throw away my phone and laptop and cook delicious food and just live there for a while. I won't stay there forever as I would get bored but at least for 3 months I would experience nature and reconnect with myself. Again, hopefully heal the part that is hurt.
I wish I was kinder to myself. It's okay to fail and be lazy. But let's be honest we don't actually believe that do we.
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