Late Night Thoughts

I look at all those who are loved and wonder if I shape myself like them, would I too then be lovable?

why do I try to do my best so that people like me, try to be funny, more quirky, more dumber, more smart.

smart for one person dumb for the other, either everyone has their own individual taste or they have a common taste which is the same bubbly persona that I try to mend myself into... 

there are the use of so many "Is" but if I do not think about myself then who?

when I was quirky, my mind labelled me as weird, when I was smart suddenly I became boring, constantly shaping myself to fit the perceptions of those who do not care about me. If I was skinnier, more pretty privilege for me, If I had better fashion scene, more people would approach me. I live in the world of possibilities of the future "what ifs" while my present remains empty and filled with days impressing those who do not bat an eye for me and would not care to look twice had I fallen down the street. 

My kindness is a burden to me sometimes, which I am sure is the same for some of the other people out there too and those who do not realise this and take advantage of the poor kind souls who would rip their hearts out to feed those starving, because they themselves are hungry for love and validation, hoping they can make it up by being a so-called good person. Being kind pains my heart sometimes, because why should I have mercy on those who do not care if others are in pain? 

Ironically my perfectionism drives me into a wall of dread and then I hate myself and the world, my leftover creativity flushed down the drain all because I wanted the fleeting praise of one man whose praise I would never believe and say it was caused by fate even though I poured my sweat, anxiety and sleepless nights into the project. Over and over I am ignored by someone or the other, an insignificant soul in the grand scheme of my life yet I take it to heart and never be bold again, losing one moment after another because I couldn't be a little braver than yesterday. 

Regret is my best friend, it never leaves my side. When I achieved something and when I didn't try, it is always there ready to barge in the middle of the night, or during an important lecture when not a single word reaches my ear. 

In the middle of the night, I want to ask myself  "what kind of a person do I want to be ?" For a while, let's just live doing the things which bring us joy and peace, even when we are not good enough, even when we have not accomplished things. Let's not shrink ourselves to fit in, the world has enough space for us to sit comfortably. Eat something delicious, cry your heart out, doodle in class when you cannot pay attention, say something silly now and then, curse out loud with your friends and laugh freely, that's all that matters including getting a job and getting paid, that's all that matters, that is what life is supposed to be about, doing things you like and breathing in every moment and out. Everything else is made up, what is the point of accomplishments if it does not make me happy.