On Loneliness

Dear Reader,

I hate myself. I don't particularly like my friends either. Is it my perfection speaking or my increasing self-esteem? I tried to not be alone, yet at the end I am left on my own. There comes a time in everyone's life I guess when the people we rely on no longer exist. I guess I got my mother's depressive traits.

You cannot force people to choose you and I am terrified of the idea of loneliness, even though I am doing fine. No matter how much I tried not to be left out, at the end it happened anyways. I blamed myself and others but in the end it was better to move away. Days just pass by, without something to look forward to. Now and then a wave of sadness hits and all I wanna do is express it in the most beautiful way except that it is dull, ugly, boring and painful to listen to a depressed person voice their negative thoughts out loud. You cannot consistently be a positive person all the time. 

Every time I think I like a person, they give me one or the other reason to dislike them. People force themselves to stay in friendship and relationship in fear of being lonely, but the irony is that it actually does more harm than good. I am never the favourite, just exist as a background character who is the never the priority but only appears when there is no one else for the protagonist aka other people. Yet like an idiot, I get excited when person X calls or messages me, only because they're favourite person is unavailable. In friendships everyone seems to come in pairs in college, yet I am single, separated from the family and left out from friendship. 

Its like a message from god I  exist to be alone. Its like a lesson that I haven't yet learnt or maybe deep down humans are such social creatures that I do not wish to. I do not even care if the latter sentence makes sense or not. Those who have experienced it will understand.

Even the introvert who doesn't speak to people seems to have more friends and family than I do. How is it that so many people are lonely yet everyone at the same time seems to have friends? Are they all pretending, just like I tried to do? I think society has reached a point where pretending to have a group of close friends is more important than actually having good people in your life.