Dear Reader,
Recently I don't like anyone around me but the person I dislike the most is me. I feel trapped and like I can't get out. My friends are useless and annoying, I don't wish to see their faces at all. I dreamed of having good friendships yet right now prefer to be alone. Everything is so conditional and profit-oriented. I mean I seek good friends too, but what even is a friend ? Someone who is always there to help you? False they have never helped me in any sort of way and what if they have their own problems to deal with and its not possible for them to come help me. Hence, the definition of friendship should be different.
Google says its a bond of affection, but I seem to dwell on a bond of hatred. When you don't have something, parents, wealth or friends its like the world constantly reminds you of what you lack. It feels like a Tom and Jerry Game where the more I chase people, the more they run far away. So maybe I should stop running.
One day in the near future the ceiling that I am staring at will be gone, not in the sense that it will be perished but that I will not stay in the same place. I want to remember this feeling of being trapped and what happens when you don't actively take part in your life and leave the decision to fucking bitches who only care about themselves.
This entire week I spent sleeping and intermittent fasting, which is a fancy way of saying don't eat breakfast and eat healthy food or at least eliminate sugar and junk foods. I had a headache around my eyes for the past two days and slept 12 hours and had a dream which just confirmed my fear of abandonment and at the end of the day some people are more alone than others. I think not eating is causing me to feel cranky and annoyed. It's been 5 days since I started and haven't eaten anything sugary or sweet or junk and I am proud of myself.
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