Sadness

 Dear Reader,

Whenever the intensity of my emotions increases, I then don't want to feel anything, because guilt and shame suddenly hurt more than the blade I used to cut myself. Living with such judgemental people I realised even imperfection is a flaw in their eyes. Some days everything feels worthless, and I find myself asking what is the point of it? I do well for a while until I fall down the steep slope, and looking around I start shaming myself for not doing better and not pushing through, because I keep falling down blindly and suddenly into potholes, just when I think I am doing a good job. 

I don't want to regret anything, but then I don't even know what I want to do with this day, forget about the next week or month or this life.  Washing clothes seems like the most difficult task right now, yet I know it won't take me more than half an hour or even 15 minutes, excluding the time I will put them to dry. I guess this is how Franz Kafka felt about opening a door when he became a vermin, if you take it metaphorically I feel like an ant. The distance between here and my college seems like the same as one end of the pacific ocean to the other, when I somehow manage to cross it, then I don't have the energy to deal with other minor tasks. I was doing better before, a few times I was even proud of myself, but its like the slump hits me now and then. Winter too will be arriving soon, and I hate winters as I become even more depressed and gloomy. I hate the nonchalant, conversation-maker shallow question "how are you" do you even care? why do people use such an important question so lightly, it becomes shallow and loses its value. People should come up with another fake and pretentious question to ask, which is not so important and does not make me want to reply honestly- "I'm not okay" 

Why do I think that if I ignore my feelings it will fade away? the more time passes, it only get stronger, overwhelming and more difficult to deal with? 

I used to think that if I kept the anger inside of me, it would dissolve with time and so would the words and emotions which I so desperately wanted to express. But I think I finally learnt, after so many deaths that it is better to say whatever is on your mind because one day you will part with people and go into separate roads. It makes my head lighter, even if I happen to regret my words later on.

Since I don't have the courage yet to say these words to you, so I will leave it here for now"

"I was angry at you, but no one could make me hate you. I think sometimes the English language is not sufficient for me to express my mind and feelings. I would have called you when we were in _______ to hang out, but my low self-esteem convinced me that you do not like me or would be uncomfortable. So I held back my words in fear." I have my own ways of making up with you, even though you might not realise it yet.