Hatred & Hope

Dear Reader,

I hate myself, I hate-- the way I speak, the things I say and do, the things I don't say and do, my past, present and future, today I hated it all. I wish to be someone else, someone more confident, prettier, smarter, someone much more caring and considerate of their friends. 

I internalised all the hatred and shame that I experienced from other people. Maybe if I focus on other things I can ignore my feeling of guilt of never achieving my full potential-- not that I had any in the first place. When others hate you, you start internalising the hate and when you hate yourself you think the world wants you to vanish, never speak or move a muscle, just be invisible- is the message being  perceived. But I remind myself that it is simply not true but when you have such feelings embedded inside you a neutral glance from a stranger turns dreadful as if her eyes are overflowing with hatred and disgust for me. Maybe I am just projecting my feelings onto people. 

Why does it matter whether one or two people dislike you, even we don't like everyone in our lifetime.  

I wrote this yesterday when I was discouraged, filled with sadness and grief yet today I have so much hope, which I wish would last until the end of this month. 

Little by little I start to tolerate myself and do things for my body and peace of mind.

Today I realised that many times we encounter people whom we later on care about greatly yet they do not reciprocate the same kindness and love as we do. It is such a simple and powerful thought. That doesn't mean we should stop loving people in our own way, after all there is a much greater population out there in which we can choose our friends and family from.