Shame and Guilt

 Dear Reader,

Have you ever been haunted by the same thought of what could have been day after day, almost every waking moment. Maybe things would have been different, maybe not. There's no accurate way of knowing. First I regretted one decision which would have played out in a different manner, then again and now I do the same. Indeed, history does repeat itself. 

Today I learnt that being desperate is not a bad thing. It is not weak or cringe to be desperate. This word itself is attributed by others to be something wrong or bad. Isn't it wonderful to love and yearn for someone deeply. It is society's discourse that has taught us that things that are natural are cringe or stupid. 

Everything that society wishes to avoid becomes cringey, whether it be love or fun or our quirky weird self or this rubbish blog. In shakespeare and other historical novels and books being able to love so deeply was seen as romantic and magical. 

Anyways, another thing that I wanted to talk about was shame and guilt. Both heavy and difficult emotions. Today I felt the voices around me fade away as I was consumed  by my own guilt of being a bitch and not doing better, being pretty, smarter, funnier, sexier and confident. Envy too is not a good emotion to experience. All I do is run away from my emotion like that character from subway surfers until I am knocked down with no where to escape.

"Why oh why can't I do better and pay more attention??"

"Why do I ask stupid questions?"

" I should stop interrupting people", " Just shut up and don't say anything" " I am so dumb, that I can't even comprehend what he is saying" "This is why I don't get praised"... and so on it goes. 

I try my best to suppress it but these thoughts whirl around my head and up and down until once again I can't pay attention. I'm not sure if I have adhd or not but I do zone out now and the professor embarrasses me by calling out on someone to answer who actually paid attention while a hole is buried in my heart which gets bigger and bigger along with my shame. 

Later I eat chocolates and biscuits hoping it would fill the void inside and drown out my negative thoughts with social media. 

On the other hand, during class I keep replacing the words " its okay" "its okay" in my head...